Fawn Response

This might seem like an obvious piece of writing, which is a real shame, but it’s still necessary.

I am a sociable and chatty person, and more often than not welcome chats with strangers. I’ve had some of the best conversations of my life with people at bus stops and airports. I think the difference between a successful interaction with a stranger in public and an unsuccessful one is both parties having the ability to read the situation and know when the conversation is over and allow each other to carry on with their day.

Not today.

While I was throwing sticks in the river for my dog I heard a man shouting “I’m coming up behind you” and as I turned he was still a few metres away and as he approached he said “you’re alright love I just thought I’d shout because I didn’t want to scare you”. I said “oh cheers” and he went past. I carried on doing what I was doing, thinking how nice it was that he had warned me before darting past.

I had intended to do a few miles down the river and loop back on myself whilst sorting out a project on my phone and listening to a podcast, which I rarely get to do.

He stopped a few metres in front and got off his bike and walked back to me. He asked me if I knew where Beacon Hill was and I told him it was ages away and tried to describe how to get there which was in the opposite direction from which he came. At this point I did not feel threatened. He asked me where I was going and I said just for a walk down the river and he said that he didn’t know this area because he was from Yorkshire and now lives in Beaumont Leys. He said he was really hoping to carry on down the river and was there a way of getting to beacon hill that way, claiming not to have his Sat Nav (which I thought was a pretty archaic way of saying maps). I showed him a route he could take on my maps and politely said “I hope you find it, see ya later”. A pattern formed of him looking like he was leaving then holding back again to either ask my name or my age or my job, details you don’t generally ask for until you know through lots of talking that you have common ground. I knew from stopping twice that he would come back again, so continued walking slowly hoping that he would soon want to try to get to Beacon Hill. I got my phone out to look busy/avoid talking and he proceeded to ask for my number. “I don’t give my number out to strangers”. This was the point I began filming. His endpoint Beacon Hill was now in either direction. My footage began from me rejecting his request and him moving onto social media.

The motions I was going through didn’t feel fear-driven but more instinctive.

Eventually I escaped.

The actual fear came moments after I’d walked in the other direction, when I realised that I had had to abandon my own plans, my brief moment of relaxation down the river.

But isn’t this what all single people dream of? A chance encounter with a stranger out in the wild rather than a whirlwind romance and a sudden and traumatising end from a dating app? So what’s the difference? Was I being prejudiced because he was wearing a weird velvet hoodie on a hot day with trackies? No. I’d probably wear something similar.

I know exactly when it changed into something untoward. He’d already carried on his bike ride, then stopped, turned back, and came back to where I was standing to ask “so why isn’t your fella out walking with you”.

Here are some options of what I could have done.

A) Said NOTHING. Stared into the ripples around my dog and pretended he wasn’t there, leaving the man bemused and possibly attempting to ask again or ask me if I’m okay.

This could have potentially led me to crumbling in my power and eventually answering that I’m just enjoying my walk with my dog but that would invite him asking further questions.

B) Say “oh I’m walking alone because my (non-existent) fella is at work, it’s Thursday, so here I am, poor little old me just out walking without my fella”.

I didn’t say that. I went for “that’s not your business sorry” to which he replied “oh sorry or your Mrs”, to which I replied “no neither”.

Maybe I’m being stubborn by not allowing a hypothetical male presence to be my saviour at a point where my singleness should be enough to not be harassed along a river.

C) Firmly saying can you leave me alone please?

This seems like the best option but it isn’t. After all, I don’t know this man, he’s out riding and he doesn’t even seem to know where he is and he said he was from Yorkshire. I’m a mile away from civilisation and haven’t seen another walker for a while. I also know from my experience on a train going to Hackney a few weeks ago that being firm can sometimes result in further harassment. I had boarded and passed a group of men standing up and one of them said “you okay”, I looked up and said “yes thank you”, not thinking much of it and sat down in a carriage. Those men then occupied the table seat next to me and the same man said “you okay?” I ignored him. There was nothing about me screaming that I was not okay, I was in good spirits and about to visit a friend. He repeated himself but louder and I said “yes thank you.” He then went to the toilet and as he came back I looked up and it came once again. I said “the only thing that is making me not okay is you asking me if I’m okay”, this caught the attention of a woman in her 50s in the next seat. “Oh alright love just checking you’re okay” and I said “I’m fine thanks don’t worry about me you’re with your friends”. I thought it was over. He then leant on the back of his chair and said “are you okay though?” His friends were all wetting themselves laughing. I firmly told them to leave me the fuck alone, and started getting my things as the woman turned to them and said “look what you’ve done”… they were acting like school children “oo sorry miss, understood”… as I was walking to the next carriage the same man muttered under his breath “you okay” and they tittered once again.

So yes, a firm leave me alone should be the right approach, but what if he got angry? We know from past experiences that the men who are so comfortable in invading our privacy are usually the same ones who will hold us stating our right to that privacy against us.

D) “Fuck off you absolute creep”

The point in going through these options is that they all conclude in NOT KNOWING HOW THAT MAN IS GOING TO RESPOND.

If anyone reading this has any other options or successful ways of cutting it off before it gets started, I would like to hear them.

For a lot of people who see this little story, it’s natural to be empathetic. I’ve had multiple people ask if I’m okay or say that they are sorry I experienced that. Whilst i appreciate those sentiments, I also think it shifts the focus a bit. It turns it into a “poor you” moment instead of people actually thinking about the behaviour being described and the depth of the actions people choose to divert unwanted attention. I’m fine, I did what I needed and he could’ve been worse and refused to leave me alone but very much got the message when I believe he noticed that I was filming. Once something like that happens, we carry it for a bit and brush it off with “ugh not again”. I don’t feel anxious, I’m not a quivering crying mess, if that’s what people mean when they say “hope you’re ok”. I’m quite blunt and I’ll say that is quite a meaningless phrase to me personally. “Sorry you experienced that” also feels so empty when it’s so hideously normal to experience that. I want change not sympathy.

The reason I’m sharing the written part of the story is to explain that what looks like me being jovial and polite and could even be criticised as engaging with someone I’m claiming I didn’t want to engage with, is carefully considered de-escalation of a situation that had potential to be dangerous.

It’s called Fawn Response and unfortunately it’s something myself and many others have learned the hard way. It’s not being polite for the sake of it, it’s something that’s been built over living for 35 years. You don’t just wake up one day and start managing interactions like this, it comes from enough situations where you realise being direct doesn’t always make things stop, it can make them escalate.

It looks like I’m being friendly, open, up for a chat, but a lot of the time it’s a performance. Keeping things light and non-confrontational whilst giving someone nothing to push back against. I wasn’t inviting more, but nor was I provoking anything either, and even apologising each time I didn’t give him what he wanted.

It’s about trying to keep some level of control in a situation where you don’t actually have much and navigating it towards an ending that doesn’t turn nasty.

That’s why I answered his questions but didn’t ask any back, showed him the map, kept my tone neutral, agreed that his son was cute, devised an exit strategy and carried it out…

Only after the heat of the moment had passed and ruminating began, did I realise my instincts were correct as I picked out all the inconsistencies in what he told me… he wasn’t familiar with this area being his opening line, and being captured on video saying he walked his Staffy down here the other week. Not having sat nav or internet but opening Instagram to show me a photo of his son.

Brains are crazy. How they operate before you’re even conscious and what doesn’t remotely look like fear from the outside doesn’t mean it isn’t shaped by it. And that’s what I thought about when I walked home and had my afternoon ruined.